"Celebrate Yourself"

(This interview was conducted through email exchanges over a couple of weeks in March-April 2022)

Paras Dogra’s poetry is representative of a fight. It touches the reader, and makes them reflect on identity, desire, gender, and much more. As you finish reading the poem, ‘I am A Man,’ you would be pondering the complexities of gender and desires individuals are capable of. The poem ultimately constructs the self-portrait of a proud gay transgender individual who articulates powerfully. The poem definitely requires societal attention, as it asserts the existence of same-sex loving transgender individuals in the society we live in. Hailing from Sholayur (Border of Kerala-Tamil Nadu states in India), Paras Dogra self identify as a same-sex loving/gay trans man. He is a graphic designer, digital illustrator, and a professional 2D animator apart from working as an English teacher at a school.

A.K. How do you wish to describe yourself?

P.D. Hello, my name is Paras Dogra (Pronouns-he/they) I am an openly gay transgender man.

A.K. Could you please talk about your coming out of the closet journey/epiphany/process, with whatever term you wish to address it?

P.D. Yeah, sure! There were two stages in my ‘coming out’ journey. One was as a trans man, and the other was as a gay man. When I first got my period at the age of 13, at first, I was wondering if my body was deteriorating or something because from the age of 12 I was expecting masculine changes in my body since I have just recently studied about the age of adolescence in class. But I got to know from my family that I was growing into a woman. Which took a huge toll on me. It was something which was very alien to me. As I grew up, I realized that I'm a transgender man. I'm assigned female by birth, but I feel like a man from my heart and soul. I came out as a trans man at the age of 18, faced a lot of rejection from society and from my own family. The transgender community accepted me. But that soon will be changed as I realized that my sexual orientation was different from other traditional trans men. It all started when they all started talking about girls, but I can't relate to them. I never realized that your sexual orientation is way above the gender norms you follow every day, and you can explore your sexuality. I dated many girls, but I didn't have anything towards them. As if, there was no connection in a romantic way. Then I saw a picture of a beautiful man on the cover of a magazine and for the first time, I felt an attraction. I researched more about it and realized that I am gay. Accepting my sexuality was very difficult. It took a lot of time to accept myself. And then came the transgender community, when they got to know about my sexuality, they harassed me, called me names, said that I'm not a man as I'm attracted towards men. But I felt like a man from the inside, it's only that I'm into men. Ho, am I not a man? Then what am I? Who am I? Am I faking my whole identity? My mind was under a huge turmoil due these internal questions. But then, I educated myself about gender, identity, sexuality, and gender expression. And I realized that I'm a gay transgender man and I should be proud of being my authentic self and not fitting into a box. In 2019, I openly came out as a gay trans man. And got immense support which gives me strength, even to this day. But I realized how much harassment I faced because of who I was. So, I became an LGBTQ+ activist, a sex educator, and a Motivator so that I could provide proper sex education within the community and outside it. So that this harassment is avoided. So far, acceptance of gay/bisexual and queer trans men are being accepted within the community because of my work. But we have a very ‘loooonggg’ (emphasis added by the speaker) way to go in the field of sex education in our country. This was my coming out story. Thank you!

A.K. You could also share your experience on, if you are a member/ally of queer network, what does your peer think about the contemporary South Asian scenario of 'coming out' and whether there is any support system for the community?

P.D. Yes! I'm a member of many queer support groups and as per my experience, the topic of coming out is a very difficult thing in Indian families. Most of the time the family doesn't accept their child as who they are. And in the worst-case scenario, kick them out of the house at a very young age. The role of queer support groups is extremely mandatory here. Being like a family to the child, providing them emotional, mental, and financial support and making them understand that they're not alone, we are with you, and we are your family. In the transgender community, trans women adopt trans men from abandoned families and take care of them as their son which helps lost trans men to experience the warmth of the family once again, but this time it's in a more accepting and inclusive environment.

A.K. How do you relate your identity and your creativity? For me, my identity is art, it's a part of who I am and it's a beautiful art piece on its own. The way I celebrate it, the way I cherish it everyday day, that beauty is art. And that art brings out the essence of rhythm and poetry and that's why my art and my identity are not related but are one in synchronization with each other.

A.K. “The expression of love/desire in our cultural forms are structured on heteronormativity”-- What should be done to break free from this norm? As an artist, what is your take on this?

P.D. Yes, mostly the stories, poetry, dramas and plays we are introduced to in daily life depict heteronormativity, but in the past, there were also very good stories in the ancient text, and ancient dramas, plays and poetry. But unfortunately, all their possible records were wiped out by historians, which deeply saddens me. But there’s a solution, to make more art, more dramas, plays, poetry etc. To showcase varied gender identities, gender expressions, and sexual orientations to the public eye. So that homophobia, transphobia, etc can be avoided in the light of proper sex education in art.

A.K. Do you think your work is a reaction against this/ or a response to this, if yes, how?

P.D. Exactly! You can see even this poetry, which I have sent you contains knowledge about gender identity and sexual orientation.

A.K. As a queer person how do you respond to/observe the specificities of the queer experiences in South Asian contexts/countries? You may talk about lives, cultural productions like cinema, theater, literature, etc.

P.D. Sure! I would love to! Unfortunately, sexuality, gender identities and gender expressions are always a hushed topic in societies specifically in rural areas. It is disheartening to note that, people are not given proper sex education, they fail to stand up for themselves when it comes to marriage. A lot of gay/queer people are forced to marry people to whom they’re not attracted to which ruins their lives. Because people are not well-educated, they harass LGBTQ+ students in public places. Unfortunately, as you know a 16-year-old boy committed suicide from DPS Faridabad because he was sexually assaulted harassed by three boys of his school and the faculty didn't do anything about it, that also is a result of homophobia and ignorance towards proper sex education. Homophobia exists because there's no proper sex education. Hence, harassment occurs. Since, LGBTQ sex education is such a taboo topic, Directors, filmmakers, poets, writers, etc, make movies, write books, poems, plays, dramas etc. Which are homophobic and some don't showcase proper knowledge of gender identities, gender expression and sexual orientation. Which may also give rise to homophobia and henceforth, more harassment of the people belonging from the LGBTQ+ community. It is mandatory to have sex education in every field as it reduces homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, etc. As you can see, Bollywood is releasing wide number of films/series which are not starring actors from the LGBTQ community, instead cisgender and straight actors play the roles of LGBTQ people which generates misrepresentation regarding the community. For example, in a recent film, Gangubai Kathiawadi a cisgender male actor played the role of a transgender woman which may spread the message that trans women are not ‘women’ but ‘men dressing up as women’ which is misinformation about trans women. Mostly, people don't research about gender identity, sexuality and gender expression and make films out of it. For example, in Laxmi Bomb a cisgender man is possessed by the spirit of a trans woman. Which was again, spreading misinformation about transgender people that being transgender is not real and mostly transgender people a possessed by the spirits of the other gender which is extremely transphobic. I can take several examples like this and it's painful that these kinds of films exist which give rise to homophobia, transphobia, biphobia etc which also gives rise to harassment of people from the LGBTQ community.

A.K. Is there any specific rationale to choose poetry as a creative mode to express yourself? What motivates you to write poetry? It just started as a coping mechanism. Whenever I felt down, I would start writing about a random thing and would make me feel better. I started writing at the age of 16 when I was in 10th grade. I still remember that day, I was tired from preparing for the upcoming examination, and I just sat on my table and started writing something about school. It came out to be a poem and I showed it to my dad (who was alive at that time). He loved it and advised me to send it to my English teacher the next day, as there was a weekly contest from Hindustan Times which was going on at that time. I submitted the poem to my teacher on the following day, just like a random stream of thoughts of a 16-year-old. And she accepted it with a smile and mailed it to the Hindustan Times office. Next month, I got the news that my poetry has been selected, but not only that, it's featured as one of the top entries in the list! I didn't expect that at all, I didn't even expect that it'll get selected.

(Source: Paras Dogra) Afterwards, my dad advised me to continue writing. And I'm 23 years old now, and I've been writing ever since. It's all in the memory of my late father.

I am a man:
I am a man, because I feel it from the inside
I am a man, because gender doesn’t come
from your assigned birth but your heart
and mind
I am a man and I’m proud of it
Because I love myself and celebrate it!
But the society doesn’t see me as a man
because, I’m attracted towards the same
gender,
Why is this discrimination within the
community greater?
Why is there so much of heteronormativity
which suppresses trans men’s exploration
of sexuality?
Why are trans men always put in a box of
heterosexuality and masculinity
When we can just date the same gender,
apply make up and be ourselves only!
Because clothes and accessories have no
gender
It is made for everyone dear!
Your gender comes from your heart and
that’s a different thing completely!
Whom you are attracted to is different and
that is your sexuality
Then why am I told every day that I am not
a man
Because I love men only?
Why do you want me to put me in your box
and follow your idea of gender completely?
When I am a man,
A proud Transgender man
And I am gay!!!!
LOUDLY I SAY!!!!
Because in this world, the only one who
loves you is YOU honey,
And to suppress your sexuality is the most
harm you can do yourself baby!
Yes! I AM A MAN
Yes! I AM A MAN
This poem is about the life of a trans man who is gay, and the transgender community doesn't accept him because he’s not heterosexual. But he continues teaching about sex education. Your sexuality is different, and your gender identity is different, both have no connection. My message to everyone is that you should always be your authentic self and celebrate yourself no matter what society says.